It's no secret that the economic outlook is worsening. Many Americans are struggling and don't know how to make ends meet. Who will help? Obama? Romney? Please. The government is not your baby's daddy. Besides, politicians have no clue. Who does? Dwight Schrute. That's right, I'm utterly recession-proof and you can be too if you put down your fancy palm pilots and pick up some self-control. Here are a few tips to get you started:
1. Gas costs are out of control and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. For $200 you can buy a horse, and you'll never have to worry about fuel again because a horse's gas is carrots.
2. Food prices are growing faster than Angela's monster baby. Instead of relying on the grocery store like an idiot slug, plant your own food at home (but leave the beets up to the pros).
3. Clothes don't make the man, it's the man that makes the clothes, and he mass-produces them in China. Mass-production leads to overconsumption, and overconsumption leads to debt. My advice? Own a couple of classic pieces that never go out of style. I've been wearing the same mustard-colored shirt since 1989 and I don't hear anybody complaining, most notably my pocketbook.
4. One word: vinegar. It's uses are endless, including household cleaner, fabric softener, stopping the hiccups, extending the life of your pantyhose, peeling off that embarrassing Evanescence bumper sticker, and removing gum from hair - something I do for Mose almost daily.
5. Seek cheap thrills. And I'm not talking about the local nudie bar. Although if you see my cousin Amel there, tell him his wife wants a divorce. What I'm referring to is cutting back on entertainment costs and doing inexpensive activities such as quilting, canning, haying, and drawing pictures in the dirt with sticks. Or if you're feeling especially frisky, pouring sugar in the gas tank of your enemy's tractor.